Sunday, 17 April 2016

Oh this Mamma's heart of mine

It is crucial that when our children look into our eyes, regardless of the circumstances they are facing, 
what they see is somebody that believes in them


Sometimes being a mamma and loving your children just hurts.

There are days I want to wrap them in my mother-hen arms and protect them from experiences of the world - from dealing with friendships at school to the spelling tests and maths equations that are just that little bit too hard, thus creating in them a feeling of failure.

There are days I want to keep them home and snuggle under a duvet with them on the couch and watch children's movies all day.
To protect them in my 'safe' bubble, so hurt cannot reach them.

My Mamma Heart hurts when others choose not to see that same amazing potential and uniqueness, that same clever and special brain in my child that I do.
It hurts when there is seemingly no effort made to understand or see the reasons behind my child's reactions.

It is a hard thing to see past all this and 'not care' what others think.
I keep thinking "If only they knew" and "They have no idea what is really happening here" - what is actually going on behind this display of emotion from my seemingly out-of-control child.

So I am slowly learning to 'not care' and just 'carry on'.
I am learning not to be the one to judge other parents when I witness similar displays of emotion from their child.
I don't know their circumstances.
I don't know their reasons behind the reactions.

The past year and a bit has been.... interesting.
With more challenges than I generally like in order to feel comfortable.

Struggles with behavioural issues from Luca have led us to seek professional advice and, as a result, he has been diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder).

ADHD is a very common neurological condition and so there is very helpful information aplenty. But the more I learn about it, the more I feel overwhelmed by the day-to-day of this condition.

And what breaks my heart the most is seeing the pain, fear and confusion in Luca's eyes when he's reacting to situations he feels overwhelmed by, resulting in him feeling out-of-control.
The whole 'thinking before you act' scenario does not apply with ADHD. And the consequences of these 'impulsive reactions' are rarely pleasant.

It's usually after school when he's tired and hungry (cos he's a boy, and boys are always hungry!) that the impulsive reactions come out to play, often putting on quite a display for the general public.

My mamma friends who are aware of our situation are always super supportive and help with my other 2 boys where they can in amongst their own kids, but so often I end up feeling like I am 'that mother' whose child is naughty and clearly out-of-control. Tutt-Tutt.
And there have been days when I want to drop everything and run crying to the school office and let all the office ladies know that I can't handle this anymore and would somebody please do something with my children!

More often than not it's Austin who gets that phone call at work with a distraught wife on the other end of the phone saying she can't handle it anymore and "would you please do something with your children!".... Poor Austin.

At the end of school on Friday, Luca came speed walking towards me and buried his face in my chest and cried his little heart out.

And my heart broke into a thousand pieces for the millionth time since having kids.

There in the middle of the playground he sobbed and sobbed, smearing my top with his tears, snot and saliva. So I just held him. For moments that turned into minutes, I just let him cry - and inside I was sobbing too and wanting so desperately to fix his world.
He didn't talk about it until later that evening around the dinner table when, chin quivering, he said he felt lonely all day because nobody wanted to play with him.
Well, the urge to round up his school friends and give them a good ol' talking-to was nearly overwhelming.
But that wouldn't have solved any problems.
But I wanted so desperately to fix him and make it all better.

The best thing for Luca was for us to listen, to comfort, to hug and to kiss.
We ended up having a wonderful time of cuddles, kisses, talking, listening with all the boys around the dinner table that night.
As it stands, I don't know how to fix him, only love him and believe in him. Because I see the potential, the uniqueness, the strength, the sweet and kindhearted boy that he is, with a super clever brain.
I know the reasons behind his reactions and this just makes me love him more.

He's such a dear and precious wee soul.

Austin and I get so frustrated and need a lot of grace with him on a daily basis, but we just need to take that chill-pill, a deep breath and a glass of wine, and remember that tomorrow is a new day...

There's nothing quite like going into the boy's room at night when lights are out and they're all softly snuffling away. It is then I can reflect properly - not on the day just been and all it's bumps and falls, battles lost and won, but on the precious lives in that one room with it's floor scattered with lego, toy cars and dirty socks.

Our journey with Luca and ADHD is only just beginning, but I'm confidently praying that time will make us stronger and wiser, that we will be drawn closer together as a family, and that my Mamma Heart will remain forever soft and mushy :)



  1. aw. big mumma hugs brigitte xx ♥

  2. Yes. There are times when that's all a mama CAN do - just hold their child - either physically in their arms - or spiritually in their hearts. Sometimes the answers may never come, or the help you so desperately need at that moment never materializes, and it feels like that heart-rending squeeze inside your chest never feels like it will go away completely - well I don't think it does - no matter what age your child is... But you can guarantee everyday your eyes open & your feet hit the floor - those children are going to be blessed, loved, held and listened to, because that's who you are - a mum. Don't give up - look up xoxo

  3. Kindred! I love you and love him! Oooohhhhh the tears as I read this xx the desire to make everything ok for our children can be so overwhelming!
    Your honesty is refreshing and I guess by baring our heart and soul, it not only allows us to exhale, but also to allow ur loved ones to reach in and give massive hugs (even if it is via multi media)
    Love you so much!!!!!


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